It's been a while

So yes, it has been a while since I wrote. I've thought about writing many times, but as we know thinking about doing something and actually doing it are not really the same thing.

My plan was to write about my travels on this thing. There have been plenty of work trips and even a few personal ones this past year, but I've felt very blocked every time I think about putting it together in a blog entry. There's laziness, procrastination and at least a little self-loathing in the recipe here. Nothing new, I suppose.

I have been in a bit of an upheaval lately, though. Work was overwhelming, I was so behind in my marathon training that I dropped out of the NYC Marathon, and my weight has steadily been creeping back up. When I think about it, none of it is exactly terrible. I still like my job, I am able to defer my marathon entry to Nov 2008, and I'm still nowhere near my highest weight. All that, but I'm starting to feel a panic. We've been in New York for more than 3 years now and I don't feel like I'm really using my life properly. There are a hundred things I could be doing in this city. Eventually we will move somewhere else and I don't want to regret all of the things I did not do. I'm not really just talking about seeing sites and eating at fancy restaurants. I'm talking about being creative in a place where there are so many opportunities to do art. I am doing no art and it makes me sad. I'm 34 and I'm not using my life properly.

Problem is--at least one of the problems is--I am very "realistic." Meaning, whenever I start to feel excited and hopeful about something, I immediately start to imagine when this new passion will seem like old hat, when I realize I'll never be successful at it, or I understand that it was very silly/childish to have ever considered such an undertaking. I guess this rational side has served me well in some ways; I do feel successful in a few areas of my life. But I think it is also holding me back. I feel like a jaded old timer, but I never got to be the naif.

So I'm resolving to try and make some changes. I'm in my second week of weight watchers (trying really hard not to include a snarky comment here) in the hopes that will boost my confidence as I start on my new artistic endeavors. So far, it's a bit difficult but I can do this. Already down about 4 pounds. Now about 45 more to go.

Additionally, I'm making a little list of things I am thinking about trying and doing my best not to snuff out the excitement before it starts:
- photography - I'm talking about staged scenes and interesting portraits. Cindy Sherman and Lee Friedlander are inspirations
- writing - I would really like to write a short story or a short play; essay may be more my speed, but I want to explore a little
- music - I haven't played in at least 4 years. I'm so sad to write that. I would really like to pick up the guitar; have a guitar (though needs to be strung) and some beginner books, must really see about that
- acting - oh it's too painful to put anything here. I'm already mortified.
- acrobatics - I want to try that trapeze school next summer. Got to work on my upper body strength and lose some pounds

OK. Confession time is over. I have to publish this before I change my mind.